20 things that american horror story has taught me

1) don’t masturbate in front of windows, because creepy men might be watching you and then later kill your mistress.

2)  if your first impression of a boy includes him giving you suicide advice, you probably shouldn’t fall in love with him, because he will have sex with your mother, and she will get pregnant, and die.

3) don’t cheat on your wife with your neighbor, because they just might set themselves and your children on fire.

4) it’s okay to kill your classmates as long as you pretend you didn’t do it, but don’t ever rape your significant other’s mother. that’s just sick.

5) if your psychotic patient talks to you  in sessions about fucking your daughter, then, chances are, he’s probably going to fuck your daughter.

6) suicide by SWAT team is the most honorable type of suicide there is. it is the american seppuku.

7) always lock your ipod when leaving it unattended. you don’t want your murdering ghost boyfriend to play music randomly while you’re being surrounded by gore-covered spirits and accidentally push you over the edge of sanity.

8) become a vegetarian. you never know when you might walk outside, wanting a big, juicy steak, and instead get killed by a shovel to the head. if you’d wanted a tofu burger, well, you’d still be alive.

9) studying for exams will get you killed. always go to that concert or party, because you never know when somebody will make you put on a nurse’s outfit and then stab you in the back with a knife multiple times.

10) free camaros and great sex does not equal a gunshot to the eye and being damned to the murder house for all of eternity.

11) always check the man behind the mask before having sex with him. he just might impregnate you with the antichrist.

12) always google your potential boyfriends. it might not seem like it, but school shootings should be brought up on the first date.

13) if you meet someone with a big dick, he might fuck your whole family!

14) don’t eat cupcakes off the floor.

15) if you’re trying to win her over, axe her would-be murderer in the stomach. bitches love axes.

16) if you don’t like someone, you should set them on fire!

17) screaming “GO AWAY!” will, surprisingly, actually make someone go away.

18) if your daughter cuts herself, rarely eats or talks, has no friends, stays inside her room all day, and overall lives in a dark cloud of melancholy, then she just might be -drum roll please- depressed.

19) always recycle your rubber suits. you never know what kind of weirdos may rummage through your garbage bins and then rape your wife.

20) if somebody tells you you’re going to die in there, then, lo and behold, there is a possibility that you should get the fuck out of there because you just might actually die in there.